Dear Dentist,

What the @#$% were you THINKING?!

Signed,
C.

I've been up all night about three nights in a row. The pain started late Friday and it came on suddenly. I had just fallen asleep (a miracle on its own) after a wonderful night out with friends.

I have NEVER felt such pain. At least not in my mouth. I guess tooth/dental pain is a different beast. I've had kidney stones, surgeries with no narcotics or sedatives (just local lidocaine), and obviously my 2-3 hour jig each morning with my stomach which often makes me black out. But dental pain... holy crap. I was dry-heaving, shaking, sweating. Horrible. Blinding. Nauseating. 

Feeling a bit better today. I can finally open my mouth almost all the way. My face is swollen, but apparently not enough for most people to notice. Only my close friends and family. It's interesting--being a woman--how many people you see on a daily basis really don't look at your face too clearly. Maybe just your eyes, mouth, chest, ass. Most of my acquaintances would obviously not notice the size of my jaw or cheek.

This whole ordeal has fucked up the last few days. I'm on an average 3-4 hours sleep per day, little food (mostly just bread and crackers to take Advil) and a generally shitty feeling. I hate taking pills, so having already consumed almost an entire large bottle of Advil in the last week or two has thrown me for a loop. I don't even take the Zofran, Hyoscyamine, Prilosec or Prevacid, Reglan, or painkillers they've given me. They all just sit there on the piano. Lined up in a row. Next to my 24-hour urine collection jug and fecal study containers (UNUSED, thank you very much!). Heart and BP monitors. Half-full biohazard container with old ripped-out IV lines. Hospital tourniquets, saline, gauze, medical tape, iodine. My house looks like a goddamn laboratory.

Anyway I'll be glad when this pain is gone. Still can't chew or sip or brush very well. I hope to god it doesn't all get infected. Fuck fuck fuck.

Father's Day was fun. Dinner, gifts, movies. I got sick at dinner, but my family was really cool about it. Mom offered to come outside with me while I tried not to puke all over the curb in front of the restaurant we were eating at. Really sweet of her--she's never done that before. But I told her to stay inside and enjoy her meal. She's so busy with work and has been called in 8 times in the last 2 days at all hours of the night. Anyway, I just needed to sit and breathe for a while in the fresh air with my eyes closed. I finally came back into the restaurant and despite feeling like I was gonna lose it, I made it through watching them eat their pungent meats and other assorted nausea-inducing dishes. Dad seemed happy and saved me a seat next to him. After reassuring him that I wasn't coming down with something ("Yes, Dad, this is how MOST days are"), he more or less turned to me for the rest of the meal to discuss art and news and even some religion. Gifts back at the house were fun and we all got along.

Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight. Spaced out my Advil enough hopefully. Today I ate: Dry cheerios around 2 PM, black coffee, water, a piece of French bread with balsamic vinegar around 10 PM, a few crackers at midnight, and I just fucked myself over and ate a chocolate croissant mom brought me from one of my favorite bakeries. My nausea had more or less dissipated and now it's back full force. I've woken up feeling FULL, nauseous, and just disgusting the last 2 days. I think it might be time for a day or two of liquids but my Beriberi seems to be coming back as well. Haven't been able to stomach my vitamins the last few weeks. I wish I could just get them IV with the picc line. I hate having to let myself get so sick that I can't walk or drive just to get sustenance. Oh well.

Please... sleep... tonight...