Bummer

The last few days have been hard.

I had a procedure done on the ol' stomach and have been feeling "off" ever since. I had to fast beforehand, so I'm running on very little food or liquid. I've been horrendously nauseous 24/7 despite doing liquids for most of the day.

This morning I tried my hand at a bowl of ceral and rice milk. I got down 2 bites and immediately knew I wouldn't be able to keep it down if I kept going. Later I tried a few crackers. No luck! Then I couldn't take the dental pain anymore (yes, it's still there...) so I ate a piece of bread with an Advil. BAD! Was literally spinning with nausea for the next 6 hours. I felt like it was going to come up at any second. I kept thinking "I wish I could just take something to push it all through my system." I won't touch the fucking Reglan. I've been thinking a lot about Domperidone, but... I just don't know...

About an hour ago I suddenly felt like I could eat. I nibbled a bit on some grains and felt okay. Now I feel like shit again. It's almost 5 AM and I'm sitting upright like I've been impaled by a flag pole, just trying to "will" myself to digest.

Most of the time I'm pretty positive about things, but a day like today makes me utterly sad. I'm trying to hang in there. I know I've made some progress and I try to remember that. I should've had a tube put in by now, colon surgery, etc. etc. but I've somehow made it this far. I guess I'll have to buckle down the next few days and be really careful about what I consume. It gets harder when I feel better. I want to "cheat" and eat with my family and friends. I forget that my GI tract is fucked from top to bottom. I'll go eat something stupid, thinking "It's okay if I feel sick for the next 6 hours." What I don't think about is that it'll be days before I'm back to normal.

Anyway, hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight. When I'm nauseous like this, I'll often wake up an hour or two after getting in bed with an involuntary heaving of the stomach, constant burping, nausea, sweats, etc. I HATE those nights. I absolutely hate them. It will last for hours and hours. Constant heaving, sweating, and I just want to die. Nothing helps except sitting in a cold shower and shivering the sickness away. This still takes hours! I used to wake up like this at least once per week for a year or so; I should just be grateful that it's rare these days, even though it happens.

Oh, I can't wait to eat! I've actually felt fleeting pangs of hunger throughout the day... Just fantasizing about baked potatoes, rice, and oatmeal... the real sexy foods...

Dear Dentist,

What the @#$% were you THINKING?!

Signed,
C.

I've been up all night about three nights in a row. The pain started late Friday and it came on suddenly. I had just fallen asleep (a miracle on its own) after a wonderful night out with friends.

I have NEVER felt such pain. At least not in my mouth. I guess tooth/dental pain is a different beast. I've had kidney stones, surgeries with no narcotics or sedatives (just local lidocaine), and obviously my 2-3 hour jig each morning with my stomach which often makes me black out. But dental pain... holy crap. I was dry-heaving, shaking, sweating. Horrible. Blinding. Nauseating. 

Feeling a bit better today. I can finally open my mouth almost all the way. My face is swollen, but apparently not enough for most people to notice. Only my close friends and family. It's interesting--being a woman--how many people you see on a daily basis really don't look at your face too clearly. Maybe just your eyes, mouth, chest, ass. Most of my acquaintances would obviously not notice the size of my jaw or cheek.

This whole ordeal has fucked up the last few days. I'm on an average 3-4 hours sleep per day, little food (mostly just bread and crackers to take Advil) and a generally shitty feeling. I hate taking pills, so having already consumed almost an entire large bottle of Advil in the last week or two has thrown me for a loop. I don't even take the Zofran, Hyoscyamine, Prilosec or Prevacid, Reglan, or painkillers they've given me. They all just sit there on the piano. Lined up in a row. Next to my 24-hour urine collection jug and fecal study containers (UNUSED, thank you very much!). Heart and BP monitors. Half-full biohazard container with old ripped-out IV lines. Hospital tourniquets, saline, gauze, medical tape, iodine. My house looks like a goddamn laboratory.

Anyway I'll be glad when this pain is gone. Still can't chew or sip or brush very well. I hope to god it doesn't all get infected. Fuck fuck fuck.

Father's Day was fun. Dinner, gifts, movies. I got sick at dinner, but my family was really cool about it. Mom offered to come outside with me while I tried not to puke all over the curb in front of the restaurant we were eating at. Really sweet of her--she's never done that before. But I told her to stay inside and enjoy her meal. She's so busy with work and has been called in 8 times in the last 2 days at all hours of the night. Anyway, I just needed to sit and breathe for a while in the fresh air with my eyes closed. I finally came back into the restaurant and despite feeling like I was gonna lose it, I made it through watching them eat their pungent meats and other assorted nausea-inducing dishes. Dad seemed happy and saved me a seat next to him. After reassuring him that I wasn't coming down with something ("Yes, Dad, this is how MOST days are"), he more or less turned to me for the rest of the meal to discuss art and news and even some religion. Gifts back at the house were fun and we all got along.

Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight. Spaced out my Advil enough hopefully. Today I ate: Dry cheerios around 2 PM, black coffee, water, a piece of French bread with balsamic vinegar around 10 PM, a few crackers at midnight, and I just fucked myself over and ate a chocolate croissant mom brought me from one of my favorite bakeries. My nausea had more or less dissipated and now it's back full force. I've woken up feeling FULL, nauseous, and just disgusting the last 2 days. I think it might be time for a day or two of liquids but my Beriberi seems to be coming back as well. Haven't been able to stomach my vitamins the last few weeks. I wish I could just get them IV with the picc line. I hate having to let myself get so sick that I can't walk or drive just to get sustenance. Oh well.

Please... sleep... tonight...

Dentist Day

Oh joy! Just got back from the dentist. Spent 3.5 hours there this morning. He'd only blocked me in for 1.5. I have honest to God never had such bad post-dental pain as I do right now. Somehow the lidocaine has already almost completely worn off--in fact I could feel most of what he did all day--and the throbbing is amazing. He cut the shit out of my gums and warned me he would be doing so. I have no idea what the hell he did, but just filling these cavities was about 50x more painful than the root canal last year.

It's amazing how horrible my teeth have gotten. Luckily it's only the back teeth (knock on wood!) and so I'm just on a "repeat" schedule of getting them filled every few months. By the time we finish the fourth quadrant, it's time to start on the first one again. Really frustrating. I floss and brush and gargle constantly. Sometimes it doesn't seem worth all the extra effort, but I know that's silly. I saw __'s horrible HORRIBLE dental work on the front teeth recently and am determined never to have to have anything like that showing when I smile.

Despite the pain, this is the best time--the longest possible time 'til my next appointment. Yay!

Aside from that, the last few days have been pretty good. LB's bday party (ate white rice and a small piece of cake), hanging out with the boys, and actually had a good fun night with my family. Mom's actually getting really good at predicting what I can and can't eat, and I appreciate it tremendously. It's taken YEARS but better late than never. She keeps extra things on hand, puts a potato in the oven for me just in case or a cup or two of rice on the stove. I always have something I can eat if I can't eat whatever she's made for the main. Speaking of which, I actually ate a tiny piece of steak the other night. It was so so fucking good. It hit my stomach like a ton of bricks though so I knew better than to keep eating it. Oh well!

Dinners have remained the same as usual. Starches with some over-cooked veggies.

That right there is some rice cooked in broth with a sprinkling of fake parmesan, blanched and roasted fresh green beans, and my favorite beautiful baby Yukon Golds, roasted and smashed. I could eat those things every single night (that I'm able to eat) and be a happy camper. As good as french fries. Crispy warm potato goodness.

Going to go try and eat something so I can take a few Advil (which I never do). My mouth is seriously... not okay.

Back on track

I ate pretty normally yesterday, which was nice. Kept it light for dinner but snacked a lot--and did the waffles before bed. The only "trick" I've ever had for gaining weight. 3 Eggos or a Belgian waffle from a restaurant every night as late as I can tolerate food. Here's hoping I put on a few. I lost 3 pounds last week from being sick--back down to 90.

So last night I headed to the grocery store and found my favorite baby Yukon Gold potatoes. Picked up two packages and ate almost an entire one for dinner! I can put potatoes away like nobody's business. They're truly a miracle food--far better for you than most people think and one of the only "real" foods I can stomach when feeling like crap. It's nice to break up the monotony of eating saltines.

Roasted potatoes and carrots: chop them all up, roll around in a little dab of olive oil and season with salt and pepper or some garlic salt. Roasted til crispy. Yum...
I eat these every night practically. I change up the seasonings or leave them off altogether and dip in BBQ sauce when my stomach allows.

Speaking of carrots, I read an article recently which stated that chopping carrots into small pieces before cooking causes them to lose most of their nutrients. Some scientist somewhere with loads of time figured this out and recommends keeping carrots whole during simmering or roasting, then cutting them after. I figure it can't hurt, so I do that now. Just peel them and roast them whole. They're fun to eat like this too, when they're all carmalized and chewy.

Off to a family dinner. Hopefully there are potatoes...

Clean Eating for Dogs and a Recipe for All of Us

Have you ever muttered the words: "I wish I could eat what my dogs are eating" ???

Yeah, me neither. Until tonight:

I should explain... Last night I decided to try and eat before going to bed. Had two slices of white bread and a Coke and felt decent. So I snacked a bit more and did myself in. With less than a handful of my normally-tolerated snacks, I was up all night with the nausea, cramping, hiccups, burping, etc. ALL NIGHT! 

Oh well. At least I got in those extra calories and was able to keep it down.

So today I slept late, since my body didn't stop the involuntary hiccup-heaving til something like 9 AM this morning, resulting in no more than an hour of sleep at a time. Went through the "bad day" cramping, pain, and nausea all morning, as well as feeling all of yesterday's food still stuck in my tummy. Hate that feeling after not having eaten for 10 hours or more...

Despite having loads of errands to run today, I haven't left the house. Just feeling crappy and weak.

Hence the home-cooked dog meal. I forgot I'd run out of food. I should preface this all by saying I've discussed my home-cooking for the dogs with their vet at length. My smaller dog was a rescue and does well with anything you feed her--she's always getting into things she shouldn't and has only gotten sick twice in 6+ years--once from a bird she swallowed whole outside. Totally gross. She can even eat crappy corn-based dog food from the grocery store.

It wasn't until I got my larger dog a year later that I had to start cooking for the girls. The second dog is a pure bred and was left by my ex. She slowly developed weird red rashes on her underside and what looked like mange on her shoulders and back, as well as chronic ear infections over that first year. I took her to the vet and was told I could do two things: Put her on long-term steroids and allergy meds as well as rip up the carpet in my old apartment, bathe her every few days with prescription anti-allergy washes, do ear flushes and prescription drops every night, etc. OR I could just try putting her on an all-natural organic dry food and see how she responded. Sounded good to me!

I couldn't stand to overmedicate this sweet little girl!



So I switched the dogs to a fairly expensive new natural food and also started supplementing it with home-cooked veggies, potatoes, rice, and oatmeal, as per the vet's suggestion. I also occasionally added a scrambled egg, shredded white meats, or some organic beef jerky to chew on. I often drizzle some extra-virgin olive oil on top of their dry food, if nothing else. The vet said this was all great--that she wished everyone did this for their dogs.

I was skeptical at first about it fixing her allergies. I just figured I was spoiling the shit out of the dogs; they sure seemed happy about it. But within a week, my dog's skin problems seemed to be clearing and she was scratching her ears less. Within a month, her fur had grown back and the rashes under her "arms" were completely gone. By the end of two months, she had the most beautiful shiny coat, no grimy crap building up in her ears anymore, and even seemed more energetic and happy. Success!

It's been almost 5 years now and she hasn't had any of her allergies come back. The power of good eating shouldn't be underestimated. Sounds silly, but through feeding my dogs better, I started eating better too. I didn't know how bad corn-based dog foods were, just like I didn't know how bad my diet was for me. I ate lots of processed foods, lots of meat, and fast food a few times per month. I did eat an entire bunch of broccoli every night though, so I figured (like many Americans) that I could eat those other things too. But over time, each of those things started making me sicker and I had to cut them out one by one (even the broccoli--loads of fiber has become a no-no).

It was really something to see my sick animal recover through diet alone. I started cooking for 3 every night, adding in "human" foods like garlic powder, extra salt, cheese, or vinegar after separating my half from theirs. My dog's had a full recovery and gets an A+ from the vet every time I bring her in. I'm still battling my health problems, but if I've learned anything from my dog, it's that eating better can do things that loads of prescriptions often can't.   



So tonight I cooked them some "slop" to mix in with the limited food I had left and a few biscuits to bulk it up. This is a go-to recipe for me (although I couldn't eat tonight). Great for getting a pretty nutritious but soft and soothing meal down. I make this probably once a week. An added bonus: it's pretty hands-free once it's going, done in 20 minutes with little prep, and only uses one pot! I love it sprinkled with a bit of parmesan once it's in the bowl, and I eat it with crusty bread.

Slop with potatoes, carrots, and chopped spinach

"SLOP"  (veggies and rice)

-2 cups broth (or 2 cups water with bouillon)

-1 cup rice

-Seasonings of choice--salt and pepper, garlic/onion powder*, dried herbs (Italian blend is good)

-Handful chopped veggies (frozen work too if necessary)

          --potato, carrot, seeded squash, spinach, green beans, etc.**

-Sprinkle of parmesan (optional)

1. Add broth and rice to a saucepan and bring to boil. Season as desired. Give it a stir then reduce heat to medium.

2. Add veggies depending on cooking time. I typically add a chopped starchy potato and chopped carrot at the beginning, set the timer for 10 minutes, then add in anything else for the last 10 minutes.

3. Once rice is cooked and liquid is mostly absorbed, remove from heat. Let sit covered for a few minutes then plate. Sprinkle with parmesan if desired.

*Their raw counterparts make me sick for days--if you can't do powdered, omit altogether

**Veggies are different for everyone, I know. I usually rely on potatoes and carrots daily, which are both super easy to digest if cooked til soft. Certain green veggies are still okay for me if cooked to oblivion. I usually add a small handful of frozen chopped spinach to this, and I'm okay.

To leave you for the night... My big healthy rascal sitting politely for her plate of slop:

Day One

I have little to say right now. I've been holed up all day, bored and a bit sick with the usual. Got all of my June appointments scheduled early this morning, then went to sleep until 5 PM.

I went for a drive and passed this sign again. The church put it up a month or so ago and I've been uneasy over the fact that they haven't taken it down yet. Every time I drive by, I can't help but stare. It glows eerily in the night yet is somehow more terrifying in the day...

I've grown fascinated with these signs around here. I make rounds every week to see what they'll come up with next. I'm not about to go inside and inquire on a Sunday morning, but hey.

The other night, I was driving around and found a stack of sheet music scattered across an intersection on a tiny street. I got out, collected it, dusted it off. I'd been selfishly hoping I'd find some good classical music but it was all Christian hymns. The church was down the street and I drove by slowly looking for a mail slot. Nothing. Drove around back and found a bunch of women in the parking lot, loading their cars. I rolled my window down and they all simultaneously flinched--dark car in a dark alley with a dark figure rolling down the window. I get it. I finally convinced one of them to approach and handed her the booklets and she thanked me--said they were indeed from her choir--but she eyed me strangely. They still give me the weird looks. Again, I get it.

When I was a kid, maybe 12 or 13, people started coming up to me randomly on the street and telling me I was evil. I was such an innocuous-looking girl. Tiny, innocent, covered head-to-toe. But the existential crisis had begun long before and I had a fear that these people could somehow see into my soul and I was terrified.

In reality they were probably just psychotic or on a crack run. Hello, LA.



Going to try to eat and sleep off this day. It's looking like a bread and Coke night only. All pity or self-indulgence aside, it was a complete waste of a sunrise and sunset. No arguing that! Here's hoping tomorrow's better.